its been that kind of year.

i feel like the past year hasn't been one on my best.
but. who knows. right?
As far as my job. its ok. as far as my hobbies. its been really amazing.
I guess I'm just not happy with the relationships i've had, with both friends, family, and I suppose romantically. but I'm spoiled still. because people I love have been through a lot worse. through things I don't know if I could handle.
but still, I miss the people in my life who i really care about.
My family is half a world away.
but they're still only half a world away.
my best friends live across the country, but I still have best friends.
and the women i fall for seem to fall the other way, but at least for a bit I get the illusion they might be tilting this way.

New years was fun, but new years was shitty. It's been a good week out here in the midwest seeing everyone I've been missing so much. but its also reminded me of what really makes me happy. and that doesnt seem to be whats waiting for me when I go back.
I've almost cried more than a few times while laying in makeshift beds this week. and tonight i really did break down.
new years can do that to you I suppose. Seeing everyone embracing while that cheesy music plays. Me, just trying to fade into the corner of a booth. sipping my vodka soda. reveling in the fact that I don't have that person. To look into their eyes and really say. Happy New Year.
Its been a year of lost motivation. Of unexplainable drive. of experiences. good and bad.
of emotions I haven't felt in a long time.
I got to spend time with someone here that I really liked. and really enjoyed being around. and maybe fell for. perhaps partly because of the getting caught up in a bit of fantasy that I haven't gotten to experience in a good while.
and maybe because I've been in that wrong state mind I rushed some things a bit, as far as what I said or did. probably put myself out there a bit too quickly.
I get mushy easily. I used to never be that way. but at this point I've got no patience.
either way. I blew it.
as usual, right?

its always the opposite of what you imagine. at this point though I guess I'm old enough to realize I blew it, and leave it be. and if it turns around, it turns around.
tonight I'm sleeping. hopefully. on an old love seat. feet hanging off the edge. but ego hanging a bit lower.
my lips are chapped.
and the winds are strong and cold.

but then again.
Its a New Year.