What went wrong.

Who knows right?
Seemed like the evening was going well.
perhaps the sense of all my eggs in the basket is too obvious and off putting. especially to those younger at heart.
I was lost but not fooled.
for too long.
Is it too much to want someone to say they're the only one, who thinks I'm the only one.

but again. Maybe I wouldn't be happy with that.
but at this point feeling someone close and sharing a breath feels like the world to me.
then the cold excuse of sleep rears its head along with the subtle signs of the evening coming to an end.
so I'll see you tomorrow maybe. i wont be so tired. I should sleep. give me a hug. goodnight. thank you. i had fun.

not so subtle.

I've never taken Thank You as more of an insult. though I've been around the block.
I feel people should be blunt.
I'm not afraid
nor offended
of honesty.

here's my take.
I fall in love with a pretty face at a moments notice.

Can i fall asleep next to you?
Will you hold me?
Pretend like you need me.

cause I need you.
at least.
tonight.

Weekend in Vegas and Ghosts from the Summer

So the weekend in Vegas was quite the trip. Late nights where you actually start to gamble after you go out to the clubs.
Cut my teeth on some actual real life poker... and I only lost 100 bucks! I was up 5o to 100 dollars most of the time.
Friday didn't even leave the MGM.. food, gambling, alcohol, bars, clubs. all under one roof.
Saturday we ate breakfast at a place actually called Terrible's. and surprisingly it was only mildly terrible.
Saturday night was officially strip club night. Rick's Cabaret? Classy joint.
Guy friend disappeared upstairs till 730 in the morning.... i left at 3.
4 sets of boobs in the face and I was already passed my tally for the last year.

So the wild monster from the summer decided to contact me after 2 months of no communication.
Hey! whats up?
so casual. which isn't too surprising. I mean why would she still be upset?

She only did everything I ever suggested doing with her with someone else the day before and lied about it. Someone seemingly one uping me at every opportunity... this same person still dating her even though she always just gave me the bullshit, I'm not ready for a boyfriend at this point schpeal.

Then after me trying to cool things off and cut out the physical aspect of our relationship, calling me boring and insisting it persist.

...being confronted with it is a bit of a slap in the face I suppose.
I'm sure her motivations for contacting me weren't purely selfish. Not like she's trying to rid herself of some level of guilt by seeking a bit of forgiveness she can only get from me.

I admit I'm still pining over her for no reason, that I still get sick to my stomach when reminded of her, surely giving her a bit of satisfaction.
I'm only being honest even though it portrays me as some sort of fool who's fallen into a wonderfully deep well of despair.
As much as I'd like to rub her face in some newly found love who I'm completely happy with... thats simply not in the card these days.
I'm left dateless since the last time she raped me and not afraid to admit it.

Did I really like her?
she sort of smelled, worked retail, neglected me, lied to me, disappointed me at nearly every turn, and then walked away after finally admitting it all.
But I suppose perhaps thats what sucked me in.
Because otherwise, I simply would have been bored.

December Rains

Hard in LA this week.
keeping busy here counting days till christmas shut down.
going to vegas this weekend with two guys from work.
one 45 and single. one 30 and married.

self

messing with some lighting setups...
conclusions; beauty dish and umbrella give similar difuse soft lighting. next time.
spot lights.