Friday, August 31, 2007

God doesnt want me to have a girlfriend... that bastard

So i meet a pretty amazing girl a few weeks ago.
We hang out a couple times. She says its the best first date shes ever had.
She then procedes to get really weird, doesnt make contact, wont write back.

Then I get this gem of a message from her....

"Everytime you write me something I just feel more horrible about the whole thing. Honestly, you are prolly the sweetest, best boyfriend material guy I have ever met. I totally think you are funny, smart, have goals, are attractive, and just an all around classy guy. I wish I was head over heels for you because you would be so good to me, and I really want that, but I just don't feel that chemistry, like the I wanna be with this guy more than anything, or I think about you all the time sort of thing. I get that, we would totally be the best of friends, laugh our heads off, make fun of each other vibe from you. I noticed it a lil after the after effect of the best first date I ever had with you....and so I gave it another shot with the lunch thing. I wanted more than anything to totally realize I was just having my guard up and was afraid to put myself out there, but it just made me realize that I just dont feel that sexual chemistry between us. I felt horrible the whole weekend about it, I cried, I just felt terrible cuz you are seriously so awesome, and it would prolly be enough for us to have a relationship, but I just dont wanna start something that way. I dont wanna force something because thats how it sorta was with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years. We were best friends and I loved him so much we started dating, but it was mostly cuz we were best friends and were together all the time anyways.

I dont know if any of this makes sense to you, Id love to be friends and hang out cuz I truely think you are freakin amaaaaaazing....ask my roomies, they all know. I know it could be wierd or awkward though, so I understand if you would rather not.

Im sorry ive been such a beeoootch about the whole thing, ive just been real stressed lately and I just really wanted thigs to work out between us so much that when I knew it wasnt going to, uugghh, its just I dont wanna be 5 months down the road telling you then that i wasnt really sexually attracted to you ad then it would be worse"

my response... "have i mentioned i have a big weiner?" ... not really though

not sexually attracted to me?? are you serious.. i ooze sex from my crotch in every direction possible.
i mean every girl I know is attracted to me.
women use me for hot sex when theyre on breaks from their "boyfriends" or "husbands"

just kidding..

but still, its like having my balls tied off, them slowly drying out and rotting, and then falling from out of my shorts to the cold hard street.

i really liked this girl... and i think thats why i treated her differently and went a bit slower then I usually do...i was sweet to her! and got her flowers! and took her to dinner! and for punishment she thinks im a wuss..

I guess girls like assholes right? ridiculous.. you cant win either way.

I dont know what to do with this girl... is it something you can reverse? maybe if i do lots of push ups and situps and then walk around with my shirt off a lot?

Monday, August 27, 2007

Sheesh.. its like a broken record

every new girl is weirder and lamer then the last.

lunar eclipse tonight. too bad i'll be sleeping.

ive got some weird stomach thing. diaharia and constipation at the same time.

and loneliness.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

back to the midwest for a bit

I find myself missing the west coast a bit. Really I dont know where or what to miss anymore. Do I have a home anymore? what am I coming back to? Columbus in another couple years I feel will no longer bring back feelings of belonging. My parents, bent on moving to new york in 2 years, wont be here. Where do i stay when i come back?
my friends seem too busy with their own lives to barely remember that I'm back in town. Its like I expect them to stop everything and make an effort to make plans with me. welcome me back.
but they've all got their own stuff going on. I guess when youre gone for 9-12 months at a time it happens.

Chicago was good. but i didnt get to see everyone I wanted to see and didnt get that much time with anyone either. Its hard to replicate what takes weeks to accomplish though.

Im constantly inviting people to come visit me in LA and of course everyone says theyre going to come when they get the time/money/will. But when they do I feel other efforts may take priority. or perhaps they dont think im sincere about it. but yea.. i would really like to see people.
Some people I guess never leave where they started. Their families stay, their friends stay. Theyre almost physically attached to a place. a house. a neighborhood.
Some people become attached to another person and seem to forget everyone else.
I havent been attached to anyone in a long time. or i become attached after the fact. Thoughts of, Fuck I blew that one, are pretty common.

I also find myself getting pissed at people who make more money then me despite having little to no education. and then I think what the fuck am I doing. Should I be selling payroll and pull in 120K a year. or perhaps screw people into refinancing theyre homes and get 9K paychecks. Then I remember how god damn lazy I am and that i should feel lucky to be doing what im doing in the first place. and what the hell do i need more money for? to buy more toys. and itll never end anyway. this desire to have lots of things. And that the world is gonna end in 5 years anyway.

I got drunk last night and this morning im hung over.
I think i'd like to be a handy man and fix things with tools. because I really like doing it.
I also like to decorate rooms. and I like to make things. but things dont take two years.

I got new tattoos last week. theyre big
and on my arms
people might take them the wrong way or something and im self conscious about them, but i think after a couple weeks ill have accepted them as a permanent part of my body.
Im gonna buy some microphones and make some recordings on cassette tape. after i finish my bicycle.

I recommend downloading The National - Fake Empire. IF you dont like it ill mail you 99cents. The first two minutes build to an extremely satisfying body nodding experience.
ALong with Coconut Records - West Coast. which you can listen to on my myspace. I thought it fitting for these next couple days.

I miss you, im heading back home to the west coast. but i dont really miss anything. except maybe my apartment. its something ive built sort of with my own earnings and creations.

most of the time i have nothing to say. when i do its nothing and no bodys there to listen anyway. i know im probably better off this way. i just listen to the voices on the tv till im tired. my eyes go heavy and I fade away.

i like those lyrics.